


Size Matters

by Adrastiana



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 17:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16602053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Reno, Rude, Elena and Reeve are drinking coffee late at night in the Shinra cafeteria. Reno starts gossiping about the assets of Heidegger's new secretary and it all goes down hill from there.





	Size Matters

**Author's Note:**

> Another "classic" (loose term... loose term...) from the vault. It's from 2008 and I never did anything more with it than email it to friends. Gee, I wonder why? XD
> 
> I kinda took the idea and ran with it. It's kind of gross. Very inappropriate humor. If you like that sort of thing then this is right up your alley. If not then I suggest you find another alley to loiter in. ^_~
> 
> Very mildly implied possibility of Reeve/Elena as well as Rude/Reno.

The Turks, minus Tseng who was in a very lengthy and very tedious meeting with Rufus, were sitting in the now deserted cafeteria drinking coffee. It was 10:00 pm on a typical Saturday night. Most of the employees had long since gone home. Reeve, hard worker that he was, had just finished up for the night and decided to join them at the round, blue table near the window.

Reno was gossiping about some floozy of a secretary Heidegger had hired. "Yeah," The red head said, laughing. "Scarlet is majorly pissed because Heidegger's new secretary is a bigger whore than she is. She's got a better boob job too."

"Eww!" Elena cried, disgusted. "Who wants to hear about that kind of stuff?"

"Not me," Reeve said, somewhat untruthfully. He wanted to impress Elena. Although he was rather interested in Heidegger's little saga. After all, Reeve hated Scarlet.

Rude shrugged slightly and sipped his coffee. He was actually quite interested. He happened to appreciate a nice set of knockers. There was this one girl in Avalanche who had an incredible rack.

"Boob size isn't a huge deal of course," Reno said casually, staring at Elena. "It's ok if they ain't real big."

"Shut Up, Reno!" Elena shouted. 

Reno ignored her. "Elena's ain't half bad though, huh Reeve?"

"Reeve blushed, speechless. He wasn't sure if there was a right way to answer this one. "Well, umm...," Reeve began.

"Yeah," Reno replied, winking. "That's what I thought.

Reeve suddenly found the bottom of his coffee cup very interesting.

Reno turned to Rude and blurted out, "What do you think? They're pretty nice for Elena's petite frame. But that Tifa chick you're stuck on... Man she could end world hunger with those babies!"

Rude nearly dropped his cup, which he had just refilled with steaming hot coffee. He glared at Reno through his dark shades. One of these days that red head was really going to get it.

Reno laughed. "Say no more there, Rude!"

Rude muttered something under his breath. Only Elena, who was sitting closest to him heard it. Wide eyed, she clapped a hand over her mouth. 

Now Rude felt bad. He hadn't meant to offend Elena. It was all Reno's fault. He turned to her and nodded, trying his best to look apologetic. She seemed to accept so Rude went back to his coffee, trying to ignore Reno.

"Can we please stop talking about breasts?" Elena pleaded.

"Reno sighed. "Fine. I just don't get why chicks don't wanna talk about tits. I mean you got 'em so why not talk about 'em. Like guys and their dicks. Am I right, Reeve?"

Reeve looked up from his coffee cup and straightened his already straight enough tie. "Well..."

See, Elena? There ya go!"

"I didn't say anything about that!" Reeve insisted. Elena would end up thinking that he was a pervert if Reno didn't shut up.

Guys hang out all the time talkin' about how well they're hangin'," Reno said. "It's a simple fact of life. A chick with big titties doesn't go around saying she's got DD's but a guy with ten inches, well he's gonna let the world know that he's got ten inches."

Rude just shook his head and spoke, surprising everyone with his remark. "You're forgetting one thing, Reno. A woman's size is usually clearly visible anyway."

"You got a point there," Reno said, smiling. "You're pretty smart, Rude. I never would have thought of that."

Rude blushed slightly, although he wasn't sure if he was being complimented ot teased. "Thanks..."

"No problem, good buddy," Reno beamed, winking at Rude.   
Rude was somewhat troubled by that wink.

Then Reno added, "Speaking of penis sizes, I'd hate to brag but-"

"Shut up!" Elena interrupted, yelling. "I don't care what you've got!"

"Oh, I think you do, babe," Reno purred, winking.

"Eww! Stop it!" Elena cried.

Rude shook his head. He wanted to get up and leave but he felt bad about leaving Reeve and Elena at Reno's mercy. Rude didn't want his friends to think that he had abandoned them. He might as well stay. If anyone else stormed off he'd be likely to just follow.

Having sufficiently annoyed Elena for now, Reno turned his attentions to Reeve.  
"Sooo, Reeve," Reno began casually. "How much heat you packin'?"

Reeve's eyes widened. Everyone was staring at his reaction. "Well," he began nervously. "I've never gotten any complaints..."

Elena blushed and quickly got up to get some more coffee. Rude sighed and shook his head. Reno waited until Elena reluctantly sat back down at the table and took a sip of her freshly filled coffee before he resumed speaking.

"So I guess that means you're really big, huh, Reeve?"

Elena almost spit out her coffee. Rude put his hand up to his forehead as if he had a bad headache.

"Reeve's eyes went wider. Elena was staring at him. "I- I didn't say that!"

"Oh, so your just average then? Or maybe just big enough to get the job done?" Reno continued. 

"I didn't say that either!" Reeve cried, embarrassed. Didn't Reno care that Elena was right here?

"Well then, what is it? C'mon, Elena wants to know."

"No I don't!" Elena cried, putting her hands over her ears.

"Well then I guess you aren't interested in Tseng's size either...," Reno said absently.

Elena's eyes lit up. "Tseng?"

"Yeah, I bet he's pretty big... Being the boss and all. That's why he's got so much confidence," Reno mused. "What do you think, Rude? Think he's bigger than Reeve?"

Rude glared at Reno and looked sympathetically at Reeve, who was now bright red and trembling slightly as he tried to avoid looking at Elena.

"I think we all know what Rude thinks," Reno said, grinning. "Speaking of Rude..."

Elena was too busy imagining Tseng naked to see the look on Rude's face when Reno turned his attentions to him. However, Reeve did and at that moment he was very glad that the heat was off him.

"I bet Rude must be pretty damn big," Reno finished.

Rude turned bright red and nearly choked on his coffee. Reno ignored the look on his face and kept talking.

"He's gotta be massive, right Elena?"

"Huh?" Elena said dreamily, her head coming down from Tseng filled clouds.

Reno rolled his eyes. "Rude's penis. It's gotta be huge right? I mean he's a big, strong guy. Lots of muscle, he's really tall... So it's gotta be massive. Don't you agree?"

Elena was speechless. Rude was glaring daggers at Reno. Poor Reeve was still red.

"You wanna see it right," Reno began. "Rude's penis I mean."

Rude had really had enough of this already. "She doesn't want to see it!" he roared, wincing at the sound of his own raised voice. Elena jumped and Reeve nearly had a heart attack.

Reno just smiled. "Now now, no reason to scare everyone half to death just because you're shy. Don't worry. Me and Reeve will give you some privacy."

"Stop it!" Elena cried, still shaken from hearing Rude shout so loudly. "Can we please stop talking about this already?"

She was pleading. Rude felt sorry for her and put his hand on her shoulder. Reeve cursed himself for not thinking of that first.

"So I guess this means that you don't want to see it?" Reno asked.

Elena said nothing. She was too busy planning Reno's death.  
Rude glared at him, tipping down his shades so that Reno could see the malice in his eyes. He said nothing, still shaken a bit from yelling so loud. He hated raising his voice like that. It rattled in his ears. And not to mention it scared people. 

"Well if Elena isn't interested then I sure am," Reno beamed. "After all, Rude is pretty hot. And I like em big. I'll just have to find out for myself!"

Rude stormed out, feeling bad that he had left Reeve and Elena. He hadn't intended to. But if he didn't get away from Reno then the red head might end up waking up in traction tomorrow morning. When was Reno going to grow up already?   
_"What a little punk...,"_ Rude thought, pressing the button for the elevator. "Why the hell am I best friends with him...," He added aloud, unaware that Reno was now standing behind him. The red head had went after Rude.

"It's because you looooove me," Reno cooed.

Rude jumped, startled. He turned around to face Reno. Before he could say anything the elevator door opened up and Reno pushed Rude inside.  
\- - -

Meanwhile, back at the cafeteria...

Reeve felt bad for Elena. The poor girl was shaking. What the hell was wrong with Reno? That was no way to speak in front of a lady. Elena was so sweet and pretty. He had been dying to ask her out for months. And now this whole incident had given him the gall to finally do something about it.

"Elena...," He began shyly. "I was wondering if you would like to-"

"No!" Elena screamed. "I don't care how big your penis is! I don't want to see it."

"Elena! Wait, that's not what I was going to ask!"

But she had already stormed out. Reeve considered going after her but he didn't want to blow his chances for next weekend.

He finished his coffee and headed to the elevator on the opposite side of the building so as not to run into poor, frazzled Elena. If size mattered so much then he definitely had nothing to worry about.

~Fin~

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda have this headcanon that Rude doesn't like the sound of his own loudly raised voice and that if he has to yell really loud it's going to scare the bejesus out of anyone within range. So he only does it when he absolutely has to. Not that he's going around yelling anyway to begin with.


End file.
